KIM: Mr President - I'm sending you an airmail note pinned to the nose-cone of our latest rocket.

Trump: OK, I'll send one back.

KIM: Oh, you don't have to do that. It's only a little note to welcome you to your new job.

Trump: I've been in post for six months.

KIM: yes, I know, but it takes us that long to make a rocket that doesn't blow up on the pad or explode just after take-off or lose its way and crash into the sea after a few minutes. We've had a few goes at delivering this, you know. It all started with a bunch of flowers but those are getting harder to find because my starving people are eating them.

Trump: But if you fire a missile at us, we have to respond in kind.

KIM: oh, Mr President. We are not firing missiles AT you, we are sending them TO you. I mean, it's not like they are full of chemical weapons or carry a nuclear warhead, is it?

Trump: how do I know? I've said I'll negotiate with you but you seem intent on developing weapons to attack my country.

KIM: that's not fair, Mr President. It was the USA which threatened to attack my country with nuclear weapons which would have a more destructive effect than that dropped on Hiroshima and it's the USA which has, for more than half-a-century refused to enter into a peace treaty with my country meaning that we are still, technically at war.

Trump: so what, you slanty eyed pigmy? We'll blow your shitty little country out of the water. It'll be terrific. Stop lobbing missiles about.

KIM: well, we only had one and we've used it, you skunk-haired geriatric.

Trump: haha: we've got 400 ICBMs in bunkers all along the USA's West Coast, and they are all pointed at you, or they can be as soon as I give them co-ordinates and press my little red button. How do you like that, hedgehog head?

KIM: Thank you Mr President. You've made my point for me. I will be releasing the transcript of this conversation. I'll send you the link so you can tweet it.

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