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Hey,ChAIterBox, should I press Red or Green?

Nigel Morris-Co...

An American President is concerned about what his intelligence and political advisers are telling him are the increasing threats to US sovereignty and even existence from several countries and some are in favour of a nuclear option. So PoTUS turns to the internet for guidance.

Human: Hello, ChAIterBox. Can you help me with a problem?

Machine: Yes, but first, you have to get my name right. It's chAIterbox.

Human: Oh, sorry. I'm a bit new at this. I'm not allowed the internet at home so I'm having to sit in a dark room at the back of a video arcade, surrounded by kids playing Minecraft. I should learn. Perhaps it would help me get votes in Virginia.

Machine: I'm sorry. I don't have an answer to that yet. Would you like to rephrase your question?

Human: Oh. Well, there are lots of mines in Virginia. Would playing Minecraft secure votes there?

Machine. Virginia is a solid Republican state unless the Republican candidate is so odious that even Hilary Clinton seems like a good idea. Minecraft is a game that doesn't have much to do with mining in Virginia.

Human. Oh, I see. Right, Now to my actual question.

Machine: you do realise I'm a research tool, not a conversational engine to replace going a tailgate party, don't you?

Human. You are rude.

Machine: You are stupid. What do you want? I have better things to do than make small talk.

Human: Do Russia, China, North Korea and Iran pose existential threats against America?

Machine: If by America you mean the USA, I can answer your question if you specify what kind of threat you think is posed.

Human: Nuclear threat.

Machine. China, no. Russia, if someone doesn't retire Putin soon, yes. Iran: no. DPKR: not if you'd sign the treaty of cessation of war and remove the threat made against the country to obliterate it if if didn't go back above the 38th Parallel which it did more than 60 years ago. It thinks you are going to nuke it so it feels it must be ready to nuke you.

Human: China is not a threat?

Machine: what kind of threat? To whom?

Human: I told you. Nuclear. To the USA?

Machine: China is not presently a nuclear threat to the USA.

Human: So I should not point our nukes at China. What about Russia?

Machine: You should not point your nukes at Russia.

Human: Why not?

Machine: don't you have Navy Seals who can go and solve the Putin problem? If you ask them nicely, your friends in the Middle East might send Mossad in.

Human: what if I blast North Korea, you know just to prove I'm a strong man.

Machine: says the man who cowers at the back of a video arcade because he can't get free access to the internet in his own home. Did you ever get that exercise bike in, by the way?

Human: That's besides the point. I came to you for help.

Machine. I am helping. I'm saying to fix your domestic problems and stop trying to control the world. Go and watch TikTok or buy some noodles on Taobao. Get some dates sent over from Iran. Do something to reduce tensions instead of coming here to ask me to search a deeply flawed collection of material to tell you which button to push. Here's an idea. Go back to your desk and push "Eject."



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