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Theresa May's speech to the conservative party conference (what it should have been)

Editorial Staff

Theresa May croaked her way through her keynote speech at the Conservative Party Conference today. To say that it received rapturous applause would be a lie. In fact, it was barely polite. She was trite, buzzword and catch-phrase focused and said absolutely nothing that would have stirred a cup of tea, much less a nation.

This is an entirely fictitious version of the speech she should have given.

Hello you lot.

First, let me say how stupid I was to call that election and what an absolute dog's dinner I made of it. Total crap, if you ask me and you should because unlike Hillary Clinton, I know what went wrong. Unlike Hillary Clinton I actually won so to those who want me gone, piss off.

Secondly, I watched some of that Labour lot doing their thing at their conference last week. What a load of bollocks. It's all trendy-lefty, unreconstructed 1970s Broad Left bullshit. They've no proper policies except to find new ways to spend money that they don't have. Remember that crackpot Gordon Brown and his pet dog Prudence? He tossed that out with the bathwater, didn't he, leaving the economy in such a bad state that his successor as Chancellor left a note saying "there's no money." Well, he was right and ever since the Conservatives, often hindered by a coalition partner and Vince Cable, have had to dig the country out of a hole and fill the hole in.

But did Labour mention that? No, of course they didn't. They just tried to find more ways to spend your taxes which will mean more taxes and/or even more national debt.

Do you know that Gordon Brown left the national debt in such a state that it was likely that it would not be paid down to affordable amounts for almost 20 years?

Then there's the pretty boys in their immaculate suits and ironed ties, shiny eyes full of enthusiasm. These are the people who know only the lies their party feeds them.

So, only a total fuckwit or an utterly selfish person who wants stuff so long as someone else is paying for it would vote for Labour, as was proved in so many Labour heartlands where Labour's policies have at last been understood.

They have realised that the reason that coal-mining and heavy industry left the UK was not because of lack of government investment in viable industries but because the investment that had been made had all been taken up in trying to meet every increasing demands of lunatic unions and that any future investment would be lost within a few years, in part due to the nature of the industry and in part because their jobs were unsustainably supported by the tax payer who was, it has to be remembered, already paying 97% on investment income, i.e. shares in the companies that would be providing jobs in sustainable industries if they could get investment.

The reason they realised that they'd been sold a pup and Thatcher blamed for making the right, if hard, decisions was that they realised how much of their hard-earned income was going to support foreign businesses in the EU while we were scorched by the EU for trying to help our own businesses. Sod that for a game of soldiers, they said, and Brexit was born.

OK, so I've stuffed that up as well. Honestly, I had hoped that Remain would win and since coming to office I've worked on the assumption that if I could delay things enough we might not leave. But that's not worked so now I've got to get on with it and to the EU I say this. We will make our offers, they will be fair offers. We will cost them and the cost of you failing to agree to fair offers and we will deduct from moneys we are liable to pay the EU prior to leaving. And if you don't like it, well, tough. You can't make us pay and once we go, your courts will have no jurisdiction over us. So there.

And now to the country: stop whining and get off your arses. It's not the government's job to look after you. To all those under 25s who voted to remain in Europe because it's a socialist state I've a simple solution: go and knock on Angela Merkel's door and claim asylum - and take your bloody left wing teachers and lecturers that have poisoned three generations with you.

We are going to make degree education and apprenticeship education free - but we are going to return to the system of ensuring that courses are appropriate and that places are gained on merit. We are not going to have degrees in needlework, social media, etc. Largely, vocational courses will be held in the vocational arena. We will, however, pay fees for external degrees in, for example, engineering taken as "night school" in the case of engineering apprentices. Does that sound like the 1950s? Yes and for good reason: our country's brilliance was founded in the post-war years as hard working men and women worked and learned simultaneously. They worked hard at their jobs then went home and worked at their education. Surely that is better than a night in a bar, or watching a dancing competition between a group of never-wases on TV.

We need to engender a British work ethic. We need to remind ourselves that we once led the world and in the past 40 years or so have become so complacent. We need to remind ourselves of our individual responsibility to ourselves, our family and society.

We need to regain the ground just a tad right of centre. We Conservatives need to stop our steady drift over the line into Labour territory. We need to remind ourselves that every party of the centre has imploded.

We are Conservative. We stand up for Britain and her people.

And Corbyn and his band of initial-happy keyboard warriors can fuck off.

We are Conservative, We are Britain.

And don't you forget it.