Trump: Hey, China, I hear you've got a big party coming up. I'll jump in and say right now that I love kung pow chicken and chow mien. This weekend I'm an honorary Chinese.

The Chinese leadership huddle, confer in mumbles, then one unidentified voice (we'll call it The Big C) pipes up.

The Big C: Ah, Misser Tlump. China thanks you for your cultulal sensiiiitivity.

Trump: I'm told that after Mexican, Chinese is the most popular foreign food in America.

(mumbles: Indian, Italian, Jewish...idiot)

The Big C: Ah, sank you, Misser Tlump. Your information is most informative.

Trump: this is just a friendly courtesy call on this, er, what, I wrote it down here somewhere, wait while I find it, it's gonna be great, yuge .. oh, yes, got it.. this Auspicious Occasion. But I'm going to take this opportunity to say that I'm going to apply trade tariffs to goods from China that could have been made in the USA.

(mumbles: Apple, plastic everything, steel, aluminium)

The Big C: Misser ....

Trump (interrupting): Actually, it's "President" now, you know, as in leader of the free world, the world's biggest economy, the world's only superpower, basically, one small step below God, in whom we trust.

The Big C: Solly. Plesident Tlump. We so used to watching your business we forget you now own country. You see, Misser Plesident, you want to bling jobs back to the USA. But your workers cost too much, just like workers in China. So just like workers in China, they will be leplaced by machines. You can't make the machines in the USA because we designed them and we own the patents and we own the patents on the software and the way it is used. We learn a lot from USA.

Trump: we'll just make your patents illegal in the name of national security, or something. I can do anything I like. I've got a pad of paper with the Presidential Seal on it and a ball-point pen. See.. I just ordered sweet and sour pork to be made of chicken so our Jewish friends can eat it. It's a ballpoint pen. It's great, it's the best ballpoint pen in the world. It's an, oh, it's German. It's an American pen that the Germans made because we gave them the tools under the Marshall Plan so it's really an American pen.

The Big C: Ah, Misser Plesident. Enjoy your ballpoint pen. That was the last commodity product we were having trouble making but just in time for the New Year, we clacked it. Next year, you will sign your executive orders with a ball-point pen made in China.

Trump: Well, I just wanted to wish you happy new year. I have to go now, I've got a call in to the Prime Minister of Taiwan.

The Big C (in a perfect, laid back, English accent, proving that the previous accent was a joke at Trump's expense) President Trump. Thank you for your call. I should remind you that Chow Mien and Kung Pow Chicken are American dishes, fake Chinese food, just as abhorrent to us as fake news is to you, unless you are making that news in which case you like it.

Also, please remember: the Year of the Rooster does not mean you have a whole year to talk cock.

[The phone goes dead, Trump stares at the handset.]

Trump: can we delete that recording, or is that just a bit too like Hillary and her e-mails?

[There is no answer from anyone in the room]