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It's not fake news: it's fake everything. It's satire and it's fiction.

The US Democrats are trying to choose someone to run in an attempt to be President. The number 1 and number 2 of the secret committee that actually makes the decision are meeting in in a shed behind a Gentlemen's Club in a small settlement in the Nevada desert.

It's not fake news. it's false conversations and it's satire.

As California's San Francisco's Board of Supervisors passes a law to ban the use of facial recognition by law enforcement and other agencies operating within the city. The news reached an incredulous Malaysian Transport Minister who is in the process of implementing a low-tech solution - blacked out car windows which will defeat visual surveillance methods.

This conversation did not happen but it's easy to see how it might have done... An On Line shopping service brings in an IT Security Consultant.

The non-existent board of an imaginary company decide that they won't go to their bank for money, nor their shareholders. Instead, they will do capital raising by an Initial Coin Offering (ICO) and that, instead of using intermediaries, they will go it alone.

The war of words between Rocket Man Kim of North Korea and Orange Rug Man Trump of the USA escalated recently when Kim said "I've got the nuclear button on my desk" and Trump responded "I've got a button on my desk and my button's bigger than your button" (or some wording similar to this). It was all a bit of a giggle until Hawaii hit its own button and sent out across the whole GSM network messages to every mobile phone user telling them an attack was imminent and screaming "This is not a drill." We listened into the back channel between The White House and whatever house Kim is in. This is the conversation that never happened.

Theresa May croaked her way through her keynote speech at the Conservative Party Conference today. To say that it received rapturous applause would be a lie. In fact, it was barely polite. She was trite, buzzword and catch-phrase focused and said absolutely nothing that would have stirred a cup of tea, much less a nation.

This is an entirely fictitious version of the speech she should have given.

The rising tensions between North Korea and the USA are reaching a desperately disturbing yet ridiculously comical level. Here is a false conversation between the Supreme Leader of each of those countries.

*Free for seven days*

AW.. it's so nice to see the hidden depths of affection that Trump and Merkel have for each other. Oh, wait, that might be something different. Let's listen into private chat that never actually happened between AngDon.

When Richard Head passed through the security screen at Frankfurt Airport on Friday afternoon on his way to a weekend in Amsterdam, he was taken aside and questioned about the penis pump that the XRay of his bags showed. An officer insisted on a practical demonstration. It didn't happen, we weren't there, but we're telling you about it anyway.

[Free content for Chinese New Year]

AS more than one seventh of the world's population celebrate Chinese New Year (not that they officially call it that in China), we thought you'd like to know that China's leaders and Donald Trump aren't talking to each other and this is what they aren't saying.

Openly.

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This meeting never happened, but we were there anyway. Why don't you join us as we listen in through imaginary surveillance devices.

(we've made this Premium Content article free for all to read. )

Hillary (sic) Clinton's New Democratic Party's One America Policy intends to abolish segregation. So at its National Congress, the Democratic Party decided to remove gender bias by the simple expedient of creating the "All-Gender Restroom." Here's the discussion they didn't have. (Man beaten: see update, below)

(full article available free)

Three weeks ago, three young recruits from the FBI's secretive high tech hacking unit sat in their bunker (it's a room above a dry-cleaner's in a side street in Falls Church but don't tell them we know) and pondered the issue of how to break into an iPhone. The FBI has a near-unlimited stock of the phones that they routinely confiscate from criminals but which don't qualify as evidence. And with each of them holding handfuls of the phones, they went to work and, much to the annoyance of the "establishment" that wanted to force Apple to give them access, these three tykes found access. Here's how they did it. Their names have been changed to protect the joke.

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